Why Aren’t I Enough for My Husband?

It’s brutal feeling betrayed by your best friend. The one who is supposed to protect you and keep you from danger is the very one who makes you feel unsafe, confused, not good enough.

The pain can be brutal, even tormenting.

“Et tu, Brute?” meaning “Even you, Brutus?” is the phrase from Shakespeare’s play, Julius Caesar, during the scene when his close, trusted friend betrays him, leading to his assassination.  You can just feel the hurt in those words when he knows his dear friend will be the very one to bring him down.

And having just wrapped up Easter week, the betrayal of Jesus by Judas is fresh in our minds.  Although Jesus was aware of the events that needed to take place to fulfill His Father’s will, it still caused Him to be deeply troubled.  He’s the Savior of the world, He knew this was coming, and this betrayal was still deeply troubling for Him.

“Even my close friend, someone I trusted, one who shared my bread, has turned against me.”      Psalm 41:9 NIV

Being betrayed by our husbands, especially repeatedly, often leaves us questioning why we aren’t good enough.

Our marriage is the only earthly relationship that we want to be the most intimate, desired, and treasured of all.  Our husbands “share our bread,” they share our bed, and they occupy our hearts.

Your heart cries out, “Look at me,” “Desire me,” “Let me satisfy you and captivate you by my love.”  

But it’s not about you.  

Truly, I say that in the most tender, loving way…It’s not about you.

Understand that you are not the cause of this problem.  

This is not about you.  I cannot repeat it enough.  Your husband’s struggle with pornography and sexual sin are most likely the results of pain, losses, and experiences that were present before you were even part of the picture.  

This wouldn’t change if you were skinnier, sexier, more interesting, or kept the house cleaner.  You can’t try harder, look better, or do more.

You can’t control if your husband will hurt you again, and it isn’t your responsibility to ensure he will not cause you pain by acting out.  There is no magic formula that will force him to stop looking at pornography or becoming involved in an extramarital relationship. 

It doesn’t seem fair, and it’s not.

It is so hard to see clearly through the pain of betrayal, but if you can, step away from the emotional pain and hurt you are experiencing and look from the outside in.  Ask God to help you to see all of this, your husband, and yourself, through His eyes.

If you feel mad at God, talk to Him about it. He pursues us in our darkest moments, waiting for us to let Him love us the way He longs to do. “I Messed Up…Again” paints the picture of how ridiculous and relentless His love is for us. This understanding is where the healing begins.

Now that Mike has been in recovery for several years, he speaks to wives, just like you, in the middle of their pain.  He reassures them that his love and desire for me had nothing to do with his need to escape from his own pain he was in.  His struggle with pornography was in a different “compartment” in his brain than our marriage, and even though it doesn’t feel separate to us, allow this information to bring you some level of comfort.

You know God did not create you to spend your life absorbed by this problem and the difficulties it has caused.  He has greater plans for you than to be spending so much energy trying to find safety, wondering why you aren’t enough for your husband, or making sure there won’t be another betrayal.

Instead, spend time rediscovering yourself.

Ask God to start revealing who He wants you to be.  

No matter what is going on in your life and marriage right now, you can allow the Holy Spirit to begin His healing work in you.  

Carve out uninterrupted time for yourself. This is so very important in this healing process, and you must fight to make it a priority. Take this time to read God’s Word and write out your thoughts, concerns, questions, and how God is speaking to you. Don’t feel guilty. You are spending time with your Creator so you can be a better wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend.  

If you click HERE, it will take you to a post that describes one really great way to get in God’s Word, but it certainly isn’t the only way. There is a printable at the end of that post I created using the SOAP Bible Study Method to better organize my thoughts and the way God is speaking to me, which you might find really helpful.

I have enjoyed this method because it helps me go back and reflect on the promises He has made when my mind feels clouded by my circumstances or fear. Reminding myself of these promises and the things He has told me through His Word seems to get my mind and heart back on track and realigned with Him.

He has so many promises for you. Let Him shower you with these promises and hold them dear to your heart.  Pray them over you and preach them to your heart over and over until it changes you.

Here are some promises to start with… 

“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:18

You are HIS beloved, His precious one (Isaiah 43).  He will not leave you or forsake you (Deut 31:6). 

Click the image below, “How He Pursues Us…”  for more of His beautiful promises to us, and make sure to ask Him to lead you to His promises for you as you spend time with Him.

Let Him bring you the comfort you long for your husband to give you and the healing you so desperately need.