Butterflies on the Roadside

Brokenhearted, I laid my head down on the table on our porch and pray-cried, feeling every mom-inadequacy rising up within me. My daughter had just left for a place I didn’t want her going, and now the last words we spoke were fighting words – another round of a battle that we are both exhausted of fighting and no one ever wins. 

“My words cannot even soften the heart of my own daughter,” I cried out as I laid it before my God, “I cannot do this parenting gig. Nothing I say ever seems to carry any weight.” I poured over Scripture, looking for hope and guidance. I wanted concrete answers. I wanted God to tell me what to do. Instead, I receive these words, which, in the moment, tasted like vinegar,

“Cease striving and know that I am God…”  Psalm 46:10a NASB

The command “Cease striving” comes from the Hebrew imperative verb meaning “sink down, let drop, relax.”  Let go?  With my child? With the first person I held in my arms that holds parts of my heart I didn’t know I could share? Cease striving?

I was faced with a question I hadn’t ever asked…“Do I completely trust God with my child?” Can I??  

This day marks the start of the day I realized how inadequate I am as a mom, and how absolutely okay that is. All my own feeble attempts at trying to “fix” my child, as heartfelt and well-intended as they were, were like trying to find the right connection in an infinite switchboard – furiously plugging in to jack after jack, hoping that eventually I’d find the right connection. That day, God showed me He alone knew the right connection.

It couldn’t be on my terms nor could it be in my timing because as her mama, I would likely choose the path that would be least painful, the quickest and easiest answer for her. No mom likes to watch her child battle, but there’s no victory without a battle. Victory is much more possible when my striving – my busy hands trying to fix my child and her circumstances – yield to God’s sovereign (and sometimes difficult) plan.  

Waiting Faith

This parenting business has certainly stretched me, and sometimes I wonder how much more this ‘ol girl can be stretched. That desire for a quick fix is a mighty big struggle for me, but God doesn’t seem to be a big fan of quick fixes.

Trusting His way while you watch your child struggle is the kind of stretching that makes you wonder if you’re going to be able to hold it together. His way tends to steer away from short cuts and take routes that are long and hard, but produce perseverance, character, and confident hope (Romans 5:3-4), traits we desire for our children. For those on the sidelines, that requires waiting and trusting. Just as there is saving faith, there is also waiting faith – faith that relies on and recalls the record of what God has done. 

Waiting faith = faith that relies on and recalls the record of what God has done while you eagerly but patiently anticipate a manifestation of what you believe

It’s hard to let go and to wait. But our peace doesn’t have to be on hold while we wait. It comes after we “cease striving” in Psalm 46:10, as the following words advise, “…and know that I am God.”

We’ve seen God’s mighty hand bring victory in His perfect way and His perfect timing. We’ve watched Him do what we deemed impossible. THAT is why we can cease striving. THAT is why we can unclench our fists and let go. He has given us victory before, and He will do it again.

In the meantime, we cease our inner turmoil when we stop trying to control everything and let Him do His work. It doesn’t mean we don’t have a job to do, it means we go to God to better understand our role and receive guidance instead of running ahead of Him, thinking we might be able to find the right jack in an infinite switchboard.

Remember what He has done in the past, recount the ways He has been victorious, and fully trust in His power to bring His promise to fulfillment in His perfect timing. That is where we find the ability to rest and have peace until the battle is won.

If you are waiting on God right now – for your child or your husband or yourself – for healing, deliverance, provision or whatever it may be, it is important to note that even if our waiting faith grows weary, our God’s ability to answer our prayers does not depend on the measure of our faith. As Spurgeon said, the power to deliver us “is not in the faith but in the God in whom faith relies.” But applying Psalm 46:10 allows us to step back and give God room to work and keeps us from interfering in His plan. And remembering what He has done and is capable of doing, calms the storm within us.

The Butterfly

I have found God often gives us little messages of hope as we wait if we look for them. God knew I needed something to hold onto that day on the porch after the fight with our daughter. After pouring out my heart to Him, I get a FaceTime call from my sweet girl. She is sobbing so hard I can’t make out what she is saying at first. Terrified, I ask if she is ok, if she’s been in an accident. She explains that she is okay, but points the camera down to her hand where she is holding a butterfly in her hand. Her heart is totally broken because she hit a butterfly as she was driving. My heart flooded with love for this tenderhearted child. It was still alive in her hand, and with a quivering voice, she asked if it could feel pain. Quickly I Googled it, praying for an answer that would soothe her, and relieved, I explained that butterflies have no pain receptors that can register pain.

I poured love into her and told her how absolutely beautiful her heart is – that a butterfly would cause her to pull the car over and cause her such pain – and reminded her that her God loves her far more. We talked and even laughed, and peace filled us both. As I was about to leave the table overflowing with hope, I happened to turn to Isaiah 60:22, which soothed me to the core as God’s words reassured my heart, “At the right time, I the Lord, will make it happen.”

At the right time…

“Pray and stay are words for every day. Good words and wise. Practice both. Worship and wait. God’s answers aren’t always immediate. His delays are not denials.”   – Charles Spurgeon